Lies
by skipoverthemiddle
Summary: A lie. It was all lies. Her whole life. It was all made up of lies. If she wasn’t careful, they’ll drive her to the edge. oneshot


A/n okay, just another random thing that came out of my head. its probably really bad because I have no idea what it is. I just kinda wrote it… which is what I do so I'm sure u're all used to it by now. But you're probably going to be really confused because it doesn't even make much sense to me. so I hope u can follow.

**Lies**

She didn't know what she was doing anymore. She was losing herself. _Really_ losing herself. She was trying her best to believe all the lies she's been telling everyone. Telling herself. Telling _him._ It wasn't working anymore. She's been doing it too long. Her feelings are finally overwhelming her. And she doesn't think she can handle it.

She refuses to believe that she has herself to blame. It wasn't her fault. She tries to tell herself he had it coming, and that he should have known. She wanted, more than anything, to be as happy as she keeps telling everyone she is. She keeps thinking that if she kept this whole thing going on it'd be real. But that's a lie. Nothing was real anymore. Real was gone. It left when he left.

She doesn't understand how this was all coming back to her. She's tried so hard to forget, and now its like someone is showing it all to her on a big screen TV. And she hates it. She hates what she's become. She hates that she knows she won't do anything to stop herself, to go back to what she was. She hates that she rushed into this too quickly. She knew. She knew from day one that she should have slowed down. That she shouldn't have changed so quickly. But she thought she would be happy if she wasn't the girl he knew anymore. She was wrong. Very, _very, **very **_wrong.

She knows exactly why she rushed into this. Because it was starting to overwhelm her. So she did this, and the overwhelming was gone. But, like all things in her life, it wouldn't stay gone. Its back now, and its his fault. At least, that's what she tells herself. But everything she's been telling herself since he left was a lie.

It's kind of funny to think about. That her whole life, her whole web of lies, revolved around one person. Everything came back to him. He was the reason she was like this. He was the reason she felt like flinging herself off a cliff to escape all the emotions that escaped when she realized that she didn't believe her own lies anymore.

But she was smart enough not to fling herself off a cliff. So she did the next best thing.

And that's how her mother found her in her kitchen, throwing the contents of all the cabinets and drawers around the room.

"Rory! Rory stop it!" she yelled, grabbing her daughter's hands. Rory tried to fight her mothers grip, but it was too strong. Lorelai practically dragged her into the living room, frowning at her kitchen, which was unrecognizable from Rory's remodeling.

She made Rory sit on the couch before sitting down next to her.

"Wanna tell me what inspired that little redecorating fit?" she asked her daughter. Rory didn't say anything. Lorelai cocked her head to the side.

"Rory? Rooorrry?" she said, waving a hand in front of her face. Rory still didn't say anything. Lorelai sighed.

"Rory, you have to tell me why you decided to destroy the kitchen. I mean, not that we use it all that much, but it does come in handy utensil wise." Rory just shook her head.

"I can't." she said so quietly Lorelai almost didn't hear her. Lorelai gave her a worried look.

"Why? Tell me why you can't tell me why we're never going to be able to step foot in that useless room again?" she asked. Rory put her feet on the couch and hugged her knees.

"I can't give in. I've tried to hard… I can't let it all slip away." Lorelai nodded, trying to follow. Something was obviously wrong with her daughter. Rory's never acted like this before. Lorelai didn't know what to do. So she did the obvious thing. She called Luke. Or tried to call Luke.

"Okay…well, I'm just gonna go make a quick phone cal-" she tried to stand but Rory grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.

"No! Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone." She said, fear in her eyes. Lorelai looked at her, eyes wide.

"Honey, I'm just going to call Luke. I wont leave you alone, I promise." She said, tucking Rory's hair behind her ear. Rory shook her head again.

"No. I don't want Luke here. It'll just make things worse." Lorelai didn't know what to do. She was getting really worried and scared. And Rory wouldn't let her call Luke.

"Rory…" she started, but stopped when she realized that Rory was crying. "Oh, Rory." She put her arm around her and pulled her into a hug.

"Rory, what's wrong?" she didn't answer. Lorelai sighed.

"Come on. You're here; you won't let me leave this couch. You might as well tell me what's making you so crazy." Rory looked up so abruptly Lorelaijumped.

"Oh my God. I'm crazy." She said staring at her mother. Lorelai mentally slapped herself.

"No, Hun, that was just a saying. You're not crazy." But Rory shook her head yet again.

"You don't understand. You have no idea…" Rory said.

"No idea about what?" Lorelai asked. She was confused, and she was beginning to think that there was some stuff going on in her daughter's life that she wasn't in on.

"About how crazy I am. All because of some guy…God, I can't believe this is all because of a _guy_." Lorelai narrowed her eyes in confusion. Then she got it. She was getting herself all worked up about Logan again. She was going to kill that guy.

"Rory, if Logan is making you this upset then he's not worth being with." She said. It didn't help. It just made Rory cry harder.

"This isn't about Logan." she said. She rubbed her eyes with her hands, trying to stop the tears. But then she stopped. She realized that this was the first time she's cried about this. And she realized that it felt good. Not like she was letting go of all the feelings that were making her go nuts, but like they were going to be easier to deal with if she just kept crying. So she kept crying.

"What do you mean this isn't about Logan? Who's it about if it's not about Logan? What other guy is there?" she asked. She was more confused than ever and she wanted to know why she didn't already know the answers to those questions. Rory sighed.

"Mom, haven't you ever wondered why I've been trying so hard to make things work with Logan?" she asked her mom, her tears falling at a slower pace. Lorelai nodded.

"Yeah, actually, I think about that every time I hear you that name. I just didn't think you did." She said.

"Well, I have. I wasn't even really that conscious of the fact that I was doing it. It just sort of hit me a couple of days ago why I'm doing all these things I'm doing. And I don't like it. I don't like that he has this power over me and he doesn't even know it. I don't like that I won't do anything about it. I _can't_ do anything about." She finally stopped crying, but her eyes have now adopted a hazy, covered look. So that if you look into them, you won't know what she's thinking.

"You can't do anything about _what_? Who has power over you?" Lorelai asked. She was getting really sick of not having a clue what her daughter was talking about. They were supposed to have the best mother-daughter relationship the world has ever seen. And here her daughter was, broken and hurting, and Lorelai had no idea why.

Rory ignored her mother's questions and continued on with her explanation.

"Really, when you think about it, Logan's done things that are totally unforgivable. But I forgave him because I wanted this to work. I _needed_ this to work." She said, saying the word needed like it was the most important word in the world. "I mean, the guy cheated on me! With every single one of his sister's friends. And I forgave him the same night I found out. Seriously, the jerk says that he loves me, but if he loved me then he wouldn't have slept with every girl he could find the second he "thought" we broke up." She said, throwing up her hands. Lorelai was just sitting there, nodding her head, and trying to follow everything Rory was saying. She'd given up asking questions. It'll just delay the answers she so desperately needed from coming.

"But I forgave him and I took him back. Because I couldn't lose him. Because if I lost him then I'd have to listen to my real thoughts and my real feelings because my distraction would be gone." She was talking more to herself now than to Lorelai. She'd pretty much forgotten Lorelai was there until self-control was put to hell and her mother asked a question.

"What do you mean your distraction?" Rory jumped and looked up at her mother. She sighed.

"I mean I never loved Logan. I don't think I even really liked him. I just clung on because… actually, there are a lot of reasons. But they all come back to him." lorelai let out a groan, annoyed at her daughter for not telling her who 'him' was.

"To who?" she asked, desperate to know who's been screwing with her daughter. Mentally, she means, not physically.

Rory just looked at her mother, like she should know. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. But she didn't know. And it wasn't the most obvious thing in the world. Because Lorelai had no idea who Rory was talking about.

"Jess."

And there it was. The reason for Rory's insanity. The reason she's been clutching on to Logan so tight. The reason she put all those lies out there. The reason she's so desperately done everything she could think of to hurt him, starting with and including sleeping with Dean. The reason she's so far gone, she's unrecognizable to herself.

It all came back to Jess.

"Jess?" Lorelai practically yelled, surprise and confusion evident in her voice. Rory nodded.

"But-"

"Mom, please let me just explain everything. I think it'll help me." Rory said, cutting her mother off from pointing out the fact that Rory had, indeed, said that she was over Jess. She took a deep breath, not sure if she was ready to make this speech but knowing if she didn't, if she kept this inside, she'd lose herself completely.

"I'm not over Jess. I've never been over Jess, and I never will be over Jess. But I didn't want anyone to know that. I couldn't even admit it to myself. But I always knew. And I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with the feelings that were going through me every time I thought about him. There was too many of them, I… I don't even know. But I knew that it couldn't've been healthy to have this many feelings about one person going through you. So I decided that I needed a distraction. And that's where Dean came in. But then he broke up with me. I wasn't even really that upset. But I didn't want the feelings coming back. Luckily I got involved with Logan before they got a chance to come out. But I needed him. I just… I had to believe that he was the one. That he was my perfect match, even though we were the complete opposite. Because I couldn't let myself realize that it was Jess. It's always been Jess.

So I clung on to Logan and forgave him for all the bad he's done. But when I went to go see Jess-" she held up a hand to stop her mother form interrupting, because she opened her mouth to say something, and continued, "at the bookstore that he works at, we kissed and the feelings started coming out again. But I couldn't deal with it, so I broke the kiss and told him that I was in love with Logan." she stopped here to take a breath, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to fall again. "He was really hurt. He told me he didn't deserve that, which I thought was totally selfish of him to say because he's the one who left. He's the one who made me this way. So he did deserve that. But I didn't say that. I don't even remember what I told him but whatever it was wasn't the truth." She stopped, not wanting to continue. This was the part she was dreading. This was what was killing her.

"Why- oh, sorry, may I speak now?" Lorelai asked. Rory sighed and nodded.

"Okay, why did you say that you loved Logan when you knew you didn't and you could have had Jess back right then?" she asked as gently as she could. Rory closed her eyes. The tears were starting to fall, but she didn't open her eyes.

"Because I can't." she said. Lorelai raised an eyebrow.

"Elaboration…?" she said. Rory blinked and opened her eyes, looking straight at her mother, her tears still falling.

"I can't. I can't let him in again. I can't be with him. I don't know why but I just…can't. I-I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'll get so involved with him, so happy with him, that when everything is perfect he'll leave again. He'll break me again. And I won't be able to get through it a second time."

Lorelai looked at her daughter, a sad expression on her face. She had no idea that she had all these emotions swimming inside of her. She couldn't believe that it all had to do with Jess.

She was about to pull Rory into a hug when she suddenly jumped of the couch and headed into the kitchen. Lorelai sat there for a few seconds before following her.

Rory ignored her mother walking in and opened the drawer next to the sink. It hadn't worked. Talking, what was she thinking? Like talking could solve her problems. She grabbed a handful of forks and through them against her bedroom door. She was about to grab the knives when her mother grabbed her again.

"Let go of me!" she yelled, struggling to get free. Lorelai wouldn't let go, though. She held her daughter with one hand and shut the drawer with the other.

She leaned the struggling Rory against the sink, trying to get her to look at her.

"Rory…RORY!" she yelled. Rory stopped and looked at her. Tears were still streaming down her face.

"What's wrong with me?" she asked her mother fearfully. Lorelai sighed.

"You're in love."

Rory blinked. Then she stood up straight, pulled Lorelai's hands off her, and walked toward her room.

"Rory?" her mother said hesitantly. Rory stopped, her hand on the doorknob.

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?" Lorelai asked her. Rory turned around and smiled.

"Yeah, I'm okay." She said.

A lie. It was all lies. Her whole life. It was all made up of lies. If she wasn't careful, they'll drive her to the edge. But maybe that's what she wants.

Or maybe that's a lie.


End file.
